BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes3.lha/jokes_3/Things_We_Say_2

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 38.2 KB | 1,214 lines

                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.



Williams and Holland's Law:
        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        statistical methods.
*
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        out.
*
Brooke's Law:
        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        expands it beyond recognition.
*
Meskimen's Law:
        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        do it over.
*
Heller's Law:
        The first myth of management is that it exists.
*
Johnson's Corollary:
        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        organization.
*
Peter's Law of Substitution:
        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        themselves.
*
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
*
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
*
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        People are always available for work in the past tense.
*
Iron Law of Distribution:
        Them that has, gets.
*
H. L. Mencken's Law:
        Those who can -- do.
        Those who can't -- teach.
*
Martin's Extension:
        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
Rule of Feline Frustration:
        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        bathroom.
*
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
*
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
*
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
*
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
*
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
*
Boob's Law:
        You always find something in the last place you look.
*
Law of Communications:
        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        area of misunderstanding.
*
Harris's Lament:
        All the good ones are taken.
*
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
*
Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
            Those who understand what they do not manage.
            Those who manage what they do not understand.
*
First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        imposed the deadline).
*
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        there is nothing important to do.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
Wiker's Law:
        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
*
Gray's Law of Programming:
        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        time as 'n' tasks.
*
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
*
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        percent.
*
Weinberg's First Law:
        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
*
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
*
Malek's Law:
        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
*
Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
*
Barth's Distinction:
        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
        two types, and those who don't.
*
Weiler's Law:
        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        himself.
*
Beifeld's Principle:
        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        a better looking and richer male friend.
*
Hartley's Second Law:
        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
*
Pardo's First Postulate:
        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
*
Arnold's Addendum:
        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        rats.
*
Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
*
Katz' Law:
        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        possibilities have been exhausted.
*
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        population is growing.
*
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        another drink.
*
The Kennedy Constant:
        Don't get mad -- get even.
*
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
*
Supplement:
        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
*
Your availability is your greatest asset.
*
Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*
The Fifth Rule:
        You have taken yourself too seriously.
*
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        legislature is in session.
*
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
*
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
ROMEO:    Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
          door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
*
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
*
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
*
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
*
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
*
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
*
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
*
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.
*
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
*
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
*
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        cork makes when it is popped.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        can never hope to acquire it.
*
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
*
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
*
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
        Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
*
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
*
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
*
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
*
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
*
This is for all ill-treated fellows
        Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
        And I am not.
*
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
*
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
*
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
  Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
*
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
*
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
*
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
*
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
*
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
*
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.
*
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        equipment ruined.
*
Boren's Laws:
        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
*
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
*
Rudin's Law:
        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        do it every time.
*
Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
*
Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
*
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
*
Vail's Second Axiom:
        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        amount of work already completed.
*
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
*
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
        Must be a pacifist.
*
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
*
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
*
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
*
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
*
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
*
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
*
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
*
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
*
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
*
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
*
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
*
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
*
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
*
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
*
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
*
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
*
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
*
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
*
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
          says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
          will be right.
*
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
*
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
*
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
*
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
*
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
*
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
        2)  They all came from middle class homes
        3)  All but two of them were dead.
*
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
*
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--
        Did you ever try buying them without money?
*
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
*
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
*
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
        Divided by seven,
        Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
*
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
*
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
*
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
*
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
*
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
*
        FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.
*
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.
*
But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
*
        COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
*
        INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
*
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
*
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
*
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
*
The Abrams' Principle:
        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
*
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
*
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
*
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
*
He who Laughs, Lasts.
*
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
*
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
*
Famous last words:
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
*
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
*
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
*
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
*
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
*
Alone: In bad company.
*
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
*
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
*
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
        slippery.
*
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
*
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
*
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
*
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
*
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
*
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
*
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
*
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
*
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
*
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
*
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
*
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
*
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
*
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
*
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
*
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
*
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
*
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
*
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
*
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
*
Hippogriff:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is
two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of
surprises.
*
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
*
Please ignore previous fortune.
*
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
*
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
*
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
*
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
*
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
*
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
*
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
*
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
*
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
*
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
*
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
*
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
*
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
*
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
*
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
*
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
*
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
*
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats,
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
*
Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?
*
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
*
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
*
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
*
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
*
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
*
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
*
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
*
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
*
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
*
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
*
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
*
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
*
Those who can't write, write manuals.
*
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
*
Name    #
*
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
*
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
*
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
*
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
*
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to,
the more he loves the flag.
*
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
*
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
*
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
*
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
*
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
*
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
      "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
      "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
*
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
*
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
*
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
*
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.
*
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
*
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
*
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
*
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
*
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
*
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
*
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
*
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
*
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
*
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
*
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
*
Don't feed the bats tonight.
*
Stay away from flying saucers today.
*
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
*
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
*
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
*
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
*
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
*
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
*
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
*
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
*
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
*
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
*
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
*
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
*
You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.
*
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
*
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
*
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
*
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
*
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
*
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
*
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
*
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
*
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
*
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
*
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
*
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
*
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
*
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
*
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
*
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
*
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
*
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
*
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
*
Wasting time is an important part of living.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
*
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
*
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
*
Excellent time to become a missing person.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
*
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
*
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
*
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
*
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
*
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
*
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
*
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
*
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
*
Avoid reality at all costs.
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
*
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
*
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
*
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
*
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
*
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
*
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
*
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
*
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
*
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
*
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
*
Condense soup, not books!
*
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
*
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
*
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
*
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
*
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
*
Hire the morally handicapped.
*
I can resist anything but temptation.
*
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
*
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
*
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
*
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
*
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
*
"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
*
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
*
George Orwell was an optimist.
*
Chicken Little was right.
*
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
*
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
*
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
*
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
*
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
*
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
*
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
*
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
*
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
*
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
*
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
*
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
*
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
*
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
*
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
*
Down with categorical imperative!
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
*
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
*
Lysistrata had a good idea.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
*
Familiarity breeds attempt
*
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
*
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
*
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
*
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
*
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
*
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
*
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
*
God is a polythiest
*
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
*
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
*
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
                             asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."



                                 From the
                         JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.